1969 -- My first memory of God

I'm going to place this memory in 1969, even though I'm not 100% this is when it occurred. It feels right because I'm pretty sure I was 3 when it happened; I was old enough to have a philosophical, analytical thought, so I couldn't have been too young. So I will also place it around the later half of 1969.

It was definitely when we were living in Florida. When I think back on those early years of my life in Florida, I have absolutely no memories of god, religion, or church. My memories of that time tell me that you and dad were atheists. Though I discovered later that I had been baptized, so obviously there was not a total rejection of it, just that it was in no way part of our everyday experience.

I was wracking my brain for any memories of god, religion, spirituality, or church during those first years in Florida and couldn't think of any, then a memory suddenly popped into my mind -- a profound memory that shaped who I am, even to this day.

It was a beautiful day in Florida, as I remember most days being. I was outside playing in the neighborhood with a neighborhood boy. I recall us in the front yard. I know we were standing near the telephone lines. There was a thick metal cable that ran down to the ground and we were sort of leaning on it and talking. I don't remember the conversation prior to this, but I do remember this snippet of the conversation, so it just seems to come out of the blue. I looked out at the world, up at the sky; my mind took in the vastness and beauty of it and I said to the boy, "I want to know everything."

Without skipping a beat, he said, "You can't know everything."

I was stunned. "Why not?"

"Only God can know everything."

He seemed so utterly sure of himself when he made that statement. There wasn't any room for discussion. I didn't know what to say. From my memory, I obviously knew what God was. But I did not comprend how it could be true that God could know everything and I could not. I think maybe I said, "Well, I can try."

He obviously thought it was hopeless, not even worth trying, but I did not agree. From that point on, I felt a sense of mission. I needed to prove to myself that it was possible to know everything, or if not, then to discover the truth for myself.

Some other memories now that come to mind are of lying in bed with you and dad. I guess I was having problems with nightmares, so I slept with you two. I remember at night, while the two of you slept, I would lie awake and watch the ghosts floating over my head. I have no idea if my assessment that what I was seeing were ghosts is actually true or if it was just the moonlit shadows, the waving of the trees that created the appearance of floating spirits. They certainly didn't have any form to them, just streaks of mist floating back and forth. Since I had no idea what it was, or what was causing it, my young mind concluded that they must be ghosts.

I also saw some beings looking at me through the window one night, but again, have no idea if this memory was real or a dream.