2001 -- A Year to Wake Us Up

Up until September 11th, this was a year like any other year. I was living in the 2 bedroom tri-plex, so pleased with myself for having found that place. I had used creative visualization to manifest the place, so I was feeling powerful. I was in the center unit and my neighbors on the south side of me moved out. I didn't even notice this change until someone new moved in. It was a women -- I'm guessing in her mid-thirties, either that, or a hard-lived mid-twenties - she had several children.

It wasn't long after she moved in that my home was bordering the edge of Hell. The problem with living on the edge of Hell is that the sounds of painful, torturous screaming and crying inevitably drift over the border into one's home. That was definitely the worst of it. When she would take out the garbage, somehow she would manage to leave trash strewn all the way from her front door, across my front lawn, and all around the trash cans in front of my house. I could live with this, though unpleasant, but the screaming and the crying and the profanity were becoming unbearable. The head of my bed was against the wall I must have been sharing with her bedroom, so when I went into my bedroom, I couldn't escape the crying and sobbing and screaming, and the language so filthy, I can't bear to repeat it. So I moved my bed into the other bedroom and my computer into the room I'd been in before. Sarina refused to sleep in her own bed, so I gave the twin bed to my mom and Sarina and I just accepted that she would sleep in my bed, since she always did anyway.

But that didn't help matters. Things were still the same. I worried about Sarina's little brain absorbing all the horrors while she slept. Eventually, we began sleeping on the futon in the livingroom and kept the bedroom doors shut. It helped tamp down the noise, but the futon wasn't very comfortable. I had nightmares too. I thought ghosts were in my apartment.

I was about ready to move. I didn't understand how I could have been so successful at manifesting this place just to end up living on the edge of Hell two months later. Finally in May, I came home from work one day and the neighbor was gone. I don't remember the specifics, maybe the front door was open and I decided to investigate. I was horrified by what I discovered. There was no furniture, but the place was filled with piles and piles of garbage. It was as if these people were not humans, they were rats living in a garbage dumpster. My heart was pounding in my chest; the sight of it terrified me, but at the same time it gave me hope. I was going to call the landlord immediately and have him come over and see this for himself. Surely he would evict this hideous rat and I could have my home back.

I ran into my apartment to use the phone, but I heard someone pull into the driveway next door. I looked to see if she had returned home. Instead I saw a large white truck and a man step out and walk toward the front door of that apartment. I ran outside to introduce myself and learned that he was the landlord and that the woman had been evicted that day. I was so relieved. I asked him if he would be willing to let me rent both apartments. He said yes. I was thrilled.

After the place was cleaned up, I spent $1000 putting in an insulated wall in the two bedrooms that shared a wall with my two bedrooms. Vic helped me paint the place and I put an ad in the paper to rent it. A parade of frightening people passed through my life and I couldn't bear the thought of associating with any of them. I wondered if the situation was hopeless. But then I convinced Ken to move in and from there on out, it was a wonderful place to live.

I'm thinking it was earlier that year, in February, when things began to fall apart at Duft, Graziano, & Forest. Two of the partners left and went to another firm. They took a bunch of the staff with them. No one knew if the firm would be able to survive it. Two people were laid off. Everyone was stressed out. Finally, I came to the conclusion that no matter what happened I would be okay. If I got laid off, I'd enjoy being on unemployment for a while. If I stayed, we'd either continue on or merge with a larger firm. If not, maybe Jim Graziano would take me with him to a new firm and I would continue on as his secretary.

I went on a week-long vacation to Florida with Marian. We had a great time, but when I returned to work after that vacation, I had a mini-nervous-breakdown. I couldn't stop crying. I kept having to run to the bathroom to hide my tears. I went to lunch and spent the whole hour in my car, sobbing. Then I came back to the office and I still couldn't stop crying. That was my first indication that something was seriously wrong.

But I couldn't even imagine that I would quit that job. The money was too good. I just thought, "I've got to spend less and save more. The more money I save, the sooner I can retire. If I can just hold my breath long enough, maybe I can retire in another seven years, or maybe I would go to law school. I was clearly confused.

I began taking a class at Front Range college that summer. I took intro to algebra and got an A. So in the fall, I signed up for intermediate algebra and a biology course. But I wasn't really enjoying it. Even now, I look back at it all and wonder what in the hell I was thinking. It just goes to show how far removed I was from the ability to listen to my heart.

But then that fateful day came. It caused a shift in me. It didn't happen all at once, but it definitely taught me something about living in the moment and listening to my heart. I'm still trying to learn that lesson. But one thing I know for sure, I can never again go back to making my life choices based on money. So I live with the struggles because this is the choice I've made. For better or worse, I'm no longer capable of shutting off the voice that speaks to me from my heart.